Step 9 AA: When to Make Amends and When Not to FHE Health

Being specific also makes the amends that you offer more achievable. You may not be able to rectify “everything” you’ve done to the other person, but you can repair specific wrongs. But, as difficult as it is, completing this step can provide an immense sense of relief and newfound hope for the future. At the heart of this step is the need for forgiveness and restoration—forgiving yourself, forgiving others, and making amends. Making amends helps repair relationship problems caused by addiction.

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In particular, he discusses how to heal when the person we need to make amends with is no longer living. Sometimes, the list of people who you’ve wronged can seem endless and overwhelming. Ask your sponsor’s advice, start slow, and remember—you can go at your own pace. There living amends is no set timeframe you must abide by when reconciling with your loved ones. It’s actually not recommended to make amends in early recovery, as they may not be received well. After you’ve completed steps 1 through 7, you’ll know when it’s the right time to make amends.

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By proactively correcting previous mistakes, those in recovery may be able to prevent future conflicts that could trigger a relapse. An apology is expressing regret or saying sorry for causing harm to someone. Making an amend means taking accountability and action to repair any damages done. Through these restorative actions, you demonstrate your commitment to change. A full continuum of care treating addiction and dual diagnoses with medication-assisted treatment, family therapy, and holistic therapies in Northern California.

When and Why Do People Make Living Amends?

No matter how severe or minor the offense, put the person on your list along with what you did to them. You can also take specific actions to right wrongs in indirect but powerful ways. For example, if someone refuses to let you repay a debt, you can take that money and make a charitable donation to allow something positive to come out of a difficult situation. This form of conciliatory behavior allows the spirit of kindness, transformation, and renewed emotional generosity to shine through and gives you the opportunity to grow.

• Remember, this is a Twelve Step process that can provide a platform for healing, but the person we are reaching out to may not be at the same place in healing as we are.
• For example, Alcoholic Anonymous (AA)’s ninth step involves making amends to the individuals in your life who were affected by your addiction.
• Before completing step nine, the recovering alcoholic needs to be ready to deliver their message with the best intentions, not motivated by false expectations.

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Isolation, deception and secrecy are defining characteristics of active addiction, all of which undermine trust and intimacy. After driving others away with your self-destructive behavior, making amends is one way to start repairing those connections. Making living amends primarily benefits you and not the people you’ve wronged in the past. It’s about making positive changes within yourself so that you don’t repeat old patterns of behavior that led to your broken relationships in the first place.

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Avoid general statements like, “I’m sorry for everything I’ve done.” Be specific with your apology and include concrete plans to restore the relationship. The other person will better appreciate your sincerity, feel more understood, and thus be more receptive to the apology. I cannot go back and change the past, but I can take responsibility for my actions. Each day I ask my Higher Power for the strength to help me stay sober and live responsibly and with honesty.

• If approaching the other person opens up old wounds or re-traumatizes them, making amends isn’t advisable.
• However, in the context of grief recovery, David Kessler, in his book Finding Meaning, talks about the importance of living amends as a tool for grief healing.
• Being helpful toward others can mean lending a hand to friends and family who need help moving, checking in on elderly parents, or offering to babysit their nieces and nephews for a parent’s night out.
• The person may withdraw from those closest to them, be quick to lash out, or even steal from family and friends.

There is not one standard way to go about making amends and repairing a connection with someone, especially after years of substance abuse. When you feel ready, take time to think about each person and the extent of the damage done. This will guide you in determining the best type of amends to begin rebuilding trust with those you have harmed.

While you may genuinely want to repair your relationships, it’s a good idea to focus on your sobriety first. For example, some people may require medically supervised detox as a first step, followed by residential alcohol treatment. During active addiction, the substance abuser often displays a change in behavior that isn’t aligned with his or her personal values.

How Addiction Affects Relationships

When others hurt us, and we no longer numb our emotions, we might feel like walling ourselves off from the rest of humanity. We’re so afraid of not finding that connection—and paradoxically, maybe we’re also simultaneously afraid of finding it—that we decide it’s better just to stay away from everyone. Access useful information to help you navigate your recovery or to support a loved one through theirs.

• We understand that fact and don’t choose to run from it, and we understand that words cannot make those painful memories disappear.
• Understanding why will require taking a closer look at what Step 9 is, its goals, and its possible outcomes.
• If you’re not yet in recovery, help for active addiction is available.
• Ideally, after an honest assessment of how you harmed someone, you’d have a chance to make direct amends to them and actively work to fix the damage.
• We may want our children and families to love, accept and forgive us, but we shouldn’t confuse our wants with our needs.